A Mother's Cry

I am sharing these thoughts today because I've kept them to myself. I wrote this weeks after Tamir Rices's death. I just didn't feel as if it was timely and people no longer had his case on their minds. However, today it is all to relevant again. We are adding two more names to the list of those fallen in police custody. #AltonSterling #PhilandoCastile

Upon hearing about Mike Brown and watching the news coverage I wrote a poetic piece from a mother’s perspective. In this piece I identify with her tears and heartbreak. This was not because I have lost a child and not even because I have a son, but because I am a mother. I am a mother raising a black child, A mother who is concerned about every child she comes in contact with. A mother who has not only taken responsibility for my child, but my nieces, nephews, cousins, and the children I teach.  I am a mother who has raised a child in a multicultural environment and support my daughter in developing her relationship with other children of all races, but I have also had to warn her that there are still consequences of being black despite who you friends are and how you view the world. As she is now a teenager this admonitions are even more strong and imperative seeing she is preparing to leave the comfort of her protective nest. I have firmly impressed upon her that mediocrity is not possible and that her innocent mistakes can cost her more than she imagines. I have point out even more poignantly, referencing Mike Brown, Travon Martin, Melissa Williams, Timothy Russell and Tamir Rice, that we face injustices that are unconscionable.  It has been come crystal clear that the trials of adolescence, the naivety, the risk, challenging social norms, and the irreverence for authority is not a process that a black child has the luxury of navigating . Yes, I sympathize and empathize with the mother of Mike Brown, I extended these same feelings to the mother of Tamir Rice.

In the case of Tamir Rice my sobs are deeper. Not one more victim, not one more excuse. Not one more case that the black community, the Cleveland Community has to hold their breath and pray that justice is served. Pray that someone would take a stand for the innocence of our black youth. Pray that the system that we are governed by will finally protect us.   I watched this video over and over several, I showed it to my daughter two additional time.  I asked her the question, what happened?  “Her initial response was nothing, I don’t see anything.” Right! Nothing.  No gun, no fight, nothing. How can anyone justify this? How do you call this a mistake? This baby, had no chance, no time to react, no time to process what was happening?   Nothing. Do you understand the problem? Do you see why it was important for you to miss practice and for us to stand at Cudell Rec center with other members of the community?  Do you know that could have been you or one of you friends? You have played on that very playground.  What if it was one of the boys, (referencing my four nephews who live in this neighborhood) what about your new baby brother?  He was twelve, playing with a toy. After some thought I remembered my brother. He was twelve and had a BB gun. He was twelve and he shot people with that toy gun, namely my daughter’s father with that BB gun.  What if someone called the police on him (my brother), would he still have been able to live to adulthood?  Because he had the gun and used it, did that make him delinquent? Were my parents irresponsible and abusive?  By using a pellet gun, was my brother destined to be a criminal? No. Just like Tamir he was a boy. Just like Tamir he thought it was cool to have them. Just like Tamir he looked for a way to show that toy off.  A boy that lives in a culture fascinated with movies, videos games and news stories, of cowboys, war and the criminal underworld. I for one have always been fascinated by the prohibition era mobsters and the glamorization of WWII.  We live in a society that gives us the right to bear arms and does not restrict ownership or the use of them based upon age.

Even more painful is the fact that we, members of the black community, have bought it.  How do we expect mothers and father to defend and protect their children when we feel like no one has our back? When even our family, community the people who look like us, those we are most comfortable with tell us that there is no valid defense. We are told, this is our plight and we must live with it. There are people in control and in power and these people we must obey. Do what you are told if not we deserve what we get. This sounds like the rationale for massa’s beatings. Sounds like the rationale for the rapist torment. Sounds like the rational for the savage’s salvation.  It’s because you made me… It should teach you a lesson… You asked for it…   

Now with the onslaught of Facebook comments and Twitter hashtags these comments come more rapidly, with more vengeance and even more biting. Its an overwhelming thought as a parent and as an advocate.  How do we stand strong when the world is against us?  “The boy went for his waist.” “The Police have a Job to do.” “Police officers want to go home like anyone else who goes to work.”  I ask myself are we thinking critically. What other information have we used to come to these conclusions. Do we ask ourselves, what if it was my child?  Do we remember our childhood or did  we dismiss from our minds the nonsensical play and exploration that transformed us into the adults that we are? Do we not realize that our history is not taught to us, so that when we see similar lynching, beating, and imprisonment that we would not recognize it for what it’s worth?  

With those questions I have no answers. I too feel defeated. Soon the hum of daily survival takes over and we go back to fighting our individual battles in our homes. We stop living only to simply survive.

The Favor Story

 At this point I am sure that some of you have a few questions about who I am and what I am doing. I jumped right into the devotional text and didn’t really bring home the goal and vision of the blog.  The last several days were an exercise to push me into another level personally, professionally, and spiritually. The abrupt start was to just get the job done, to tear the band aid off so to speak.

I am a mom, business owner, advocate, teacher and now writer!!!

The official story as stated on my company’s website, www.favorcaters.com is:

In April of 2013, Ashley Evans began a new catering company, Favor Catering LLC (Favor). Favor is a social and corporate catering company. Our menu offers rustic soups, casseroles and desserts. Favor seeks to create a unique culinary experience and is committed to offering fresh better for you meals. Favor is driven by its mission, to enrich the lives of teenage mothers and other at risk young women, by using a portion of its proceeds to create programming that will help them envision a vibrant productive future for their families.
Favor was created because of its founder’s, Ashley Evans, personal passion for the community and food.   “The winter before our official launch I spent some time asking myself, “What’s next for you?” “What will you do that will leave a mark on the world?”  I realized I had a strong desire to take the time out to create. My greatest creative expression was in the kitchen.  However, I also wanted to stay rooted in the community. After doing some research, I decided that a social entrepreneurial venture would be best. The mission is my story. “, says Ashley.
As a mother of a now 17-year-old daughter.  Ashley relates to other teen women who have struggles seeing she had her daughter when she was only 15.  Ashley understands, “For most young women pregnancy is a major setback. Statistics surrounding teen motherhood are startling. Stories of teenage mothers are riddled with messages that regulate the parents and their children to a life of poverty, delinquency, abuse and ultimately hopelessness.  Our children become burdens and not the “bundles of joy” they are meant to be. My goal is to change that narrative. Although scary, motherhood was not a tragedy for me, it simply redirected my steps. As a mother, I recognized that my daughter’s future was inherently grounded in them.  This far we have grown together and have defied all odds.  While not advocating for teens to become pregnant the reality is that it has happened and it will happen. In facing this reality, we should instill hope, inspire and lift these women up. “
Favor is positioning itself to be a mechanism that provides or supports flexible employment opportunities and training, health and nutrition education, and life skill development programs. “Through Favor I am determined to produce a measurable impact in the Northeast Ohio area. To date I have focused our business development efforts on grassroots marketing through, word of mouth, social media, and vending opportunities. Our greatest accomplishment was being a Bad Girl Ventures-Cleveland Finalist in the May 2013 class.  This was the period where I finally put pen to papers and fleshed out a tangible business plan and had the necessary tools to stand in front of people and get started.  But I am most proud of the start of our mentorship group “Heart to Table.”   In February of 2014 we began this program in conjunction with the Cleveland Metropolitan Housing Authority.  (CMHA) Every week we host 12 ladies in this community. During this time we come together to prepare a wholesome meal then sit to have our conversation over dinner.
Each event you book with Favor provides you with a satisfying and memorable experience. You also help positively affect the quality of life of local teenage women who are often overlooked.
 “By looking forward with joy today, we create the kind of joy you expect tomorrow” ~Eleesha 

I chose to name the business Favor after reflecting on the word. Most of the time when we think about the word Favor it is in relationship to God’s Favor. We are most accustomed to hearing it in church and become excited about what God has done for us.  But I wanted to take this a step further. Working with the denotation (dictionary definitions) rather than connotation (the understood meaning or association given to the word) I realized we can give Favor also.   I decided that this that directly illustrated what I wanted to do as a social entrepreneur.  My desire is to create a space and place that moms, teen moms in particular, and other woman and girls felt as if people close to them also looked favorably on them.

¹fa·vor

: friendly regard shown toward another especially by a superior

archaic

: gracious kindness ; also : an act of such kindness

 The blog Grant Favor is a mechanism to expand our reach in the community using social media.  In the coming days and week more direction will be developed for this specific portion of our plan. My sincerest hope is for it to become a repository for information and a mechanism of support to mothers everywhere.  It is my belief that mothering at any age is the greatest challenge and blessing that can come to a woman. With that we need a place where we can express ourselves without fear of reprisal, knowing we are not alone.  I hope to bring awareness to issues that are important to us. I welcome you to the blog and look forward to sharing with you.

Be Blessed, Be Well, Grant Favor,

Ashley

Single Mom Reflections, Day 7, Dealing with Inadequacies

 Writing this last post, on Single Mom Strong, may have been the hardest or at least just as hard as the first.  It has taken me two days to write this.  By Tuesday evening of this week I was walking around feeling noticeably lighter.  I posted day 6 and was like cool we did that. All we have is Day 7 and I have accomplished what I set out to do.  I went to praise dance practice at church and had an energy that I haven’t felt since I returned from my ministry “sabbatical” in June.  That night I read over Day 7 and thought I had a handle on it.  I woke up the next morning feel drab again, I just couldn’t get the jolt I need to get focused and together.  This is not necessarily unusual, so I just sat to start writing. Rereading the days devotional I thought I would focus on the piece about dealing with singleness in a marriage focused society and how that is linked to self esteem. I know I could talk on that because of course I feel it often. I can relate to feeling devalued because no one seems to be able to commit or sacrifice their life for you.  I often correlate that with value.  So I started to recall stories and reflect on how much my personal value comes up in dating. I wrote and wrote and wrote then it didn’t seem right.  After a while, I allowed distractions to come in and focused on other task and projects.  Soon time got away and I’m committed to Wednesday night bible study and on this particular Wednesday I was assigned for recruitment for the praise dance team. Of course I had to go. I got back home and continued to field calls and emails that absorbed a lot of energy to where I just was over writing for the day.  Tomorrow is a new day and I will start over, that’s the typical mantra I state when I don’t accomplish all that I set out to in a day. It helps me feel a bit better especially because I always seem to have too much to do for a 24 hour time frame and I don’t function well once I get tired.

 I got up this morning determined to do nothing else but write.  I was still slow getting out the bed but I was going to do it. I dropped Allie off at school and then came to sit at the kitchen table looking into the back yard like I usually do.  However, I looked around me and started to feel claustrophobic and my mind clouded. I said, “ugh there is too much clutter around here. I’ve got to get out.”  Besides the space by the riverbed found I haven’t been anywhere else and today was cold and raining. I decide to go to a coffee shop.  I ran out so fast that I forgot that I did not eat, I order a sandwich (I couldn’t afford) and another cup of coffee determined to get started. At this point I had been up since 6 am and it was 10:15.  I finally started to pick up where I left off and I really wasn’t on it, but I kept going. I ended my thoughts yesterday with the words “I am worthy, I am enough.”  I started to tell the story behind those words,  The interesting tidbit of a broken relationship that had powerful consequence for me. Then as I kept writing my heart raced, and it felt like it was caught up in my throat and my stomach in knots that was reaching up to have a death grip on my lungs and either my heart was going to stop, my lungs collapses or both.  Taking deep breaths I moved away from the topic and on the next sheet of paper in my notebook I wrote, what do you feel right now?  I wrote whatever came to mind, scared, tired, frustrated, angry, It was just flowing. I was taking quick and deep breaths with every word. I felt tears welling up and wanted to scream. I couldn’t do that, I’m in public so I left. I left saying ok I need to run. It worked before and It will work today. Maybe I can start that process all over. – When I was dealing with the death of my brother and all the pain that went with I dealt with the depression and anxiety by training to run.  It was a very therapeutic process.

I ran out the coffee shop to go home and get the dogs to go to the park.   As I walked in I was faced with this clutter again and exasperated I picked up a few things and did I quick sweep.  I was getting more and more angry I needed to get going, Ugh I need help! I yelled in the middle of my living room.   I ran downstairs to get my running clothes and a pair of socks and standing in front of my broken dryer it hit me and the tears started streaming.  I can’t take care of my family and that’s where I feel inadequate.  This is not a yesterday problem and this is not something I am over this is right here and right now.  I can’t keep my house clean the way I would like it, I can’t manage the overgrowth of weeds in my flower bed, the dogs haven’t been walk in days, I can’t get myself on a regular workout routine, I can’t get the expensive appliances I bought just seven years ago fixed, I broke the pipe in the bathroom off the sink trying to get a hair clog out two weeks ago, and Allie needs me to get her college application process going.   I’m now screaming and balling like a two year old, but I also noticed I was releasing.  I stopped for a few minutes to let it out and not fight the process.   I finally gather myself and recognized I needed to be fully vulnerable. I knew that was what I needed to write.

 I still struggle, right now in this moment. I am on a constant journey that forces me to give it to God daily.  This is the thing that still brings me to my knees and causes me to call out to Him.  This thing causes me to hold my breath when someone asks me how I am doing and reply, “I’m just trying to make something out of this life.”  Meaning it’s not all bad but it certainly isn’t all good. I’m struggling but I am determined to preserver.    So far 2015 has been a hard year for me. I haven’t felt very encouraged about anything. Especially, not about business. The things that pressure me at home didn’t seem as if they were going to shift easily either. I feel as if I’ve been fighting an impossible fight, my faith has grown weary in many places.  I am in my wilderness experience.  I was reminder last Sunday by the guest preacher that the wilderness is a place for shifting, renewal and preparation for God’s work.  

Hosea 2:14-15New International Version (NIV)

¹⁴ “Therefore I am now going to allure her;
    I will lead her into the wilderness
    and speak tenderly to her.
¹⁵ There I will give her back her vineyards,
    and will make the Valley of Achor^[a] a door of hope.
There she will respond^[b] as in the days of her youth,
    as in the day she came up out of Egypt

I read that verse and was struck by its sweetness. How wonderful it is to be allured or wooed by God.  I long for moments when He himself can whisper words of truth.  The words of who I really am and I fearfully and wonderfully he has made me. He also promised to give back what I have lost and restore hope.  I have to know that as the winds are raging I should trust Him.

The Matthew Henry Commentary notes say:

After these judgments the Lord would deal with Israel more gently. By the promise of rest in Christ we are invited to take his yoke upon us; and the work of conversion may be forwarded by comforts as well as by convictions. But usually the Lord drives us to despair of earthly joy, and help from ourselves, that, being shut from every other door, we may knock at Mercy's gate 

In Isaiah we find  another reference to restoration in the wilderness.

Isaiah 35:6-7The Message (MSG)

^5-7 Blind eyes will be opened,
    deaf ears unstopped,
Lame men and women will leap like deer,
    the voiceless break into song.
Springs of water will burst out in the wilderness,
    streams flow in the desert.
Hot sands will become a cool oasis,
    thirsty ground a splashing fountain.
Even lowly jackals will have water to drink,
    and barren grasslands flourish richly.

Pulpit Commentary  states,

Verse 6. - For in the wilderness shall waters break out. The wilderness of humanity shall be renovated by a large effluence of God's grace 

This passage make me think of my name, Ashley. There was a point in fifth grade or so that the girls in my class were fascinated with the meanings of names.   I have always had the understanding it meant of the ash field. As a child I inquired about what an ash field was.  I don’t remember who but someone, (I’m pretty sure it was my mom) gave me the Webster’s Dictionary definition.

a thick widespread deposit of volcanic ash —called also ash plain

Not too thrilled with the thought of a dirty destitute place of black as far as the eye can see, it was further explained, that the most beautiful flowers are grown in this field.  Now, I pictured the ash evolving in to lush tropical plants found on the Hawaiian island. I can remember smiling having the feeling that form me beauty is produced.  Even as a child I knew that greatness would come from me. 

 OurBabyNamer.com says, Ashley is of Celtic origin and means of the ash tree meadow.  An ash tee is a wide and towering tree that was symbolic in Celtic culture.  What I gather from a brief web search is that this tree was specifically significant in its ashen form.  It is the ash that held the supposed power.  So not to get off track or turn this into a whirlwind of suggestive meaning, but what I hope to convey is that there is power in the ashes.

 In the place where there is nothing God still is. I believe He is still working for my good, although I don’t see it and like today I don’t always feel it,  I come back to a place where I am assured He is. Simply put God puts us in a place where we have no choice but to rely on Him.   Our life journey will require us to travel through the wilderness. The wilderness is where God is and with God you are enough. 

 I am worthy, I am Enough

Jeremiah 29:11The Message (MSG)10-11 This is God’s Word on the subject: “As soon as Babylon’s seventy years are up and not a day before, I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

Single Mom Reflections Day 6, Release Regret

Today's devotional on Single Mom Strong, deals with regret. 

It immediately asks us a few questions 

How could I have lowered myself to that standard?

How could I have acted that way?

How could I not have seen the long range result of my actions?

I tell you I have had my fair share of regret. I’ve gotten myself in a few to many situations that I haven't  liked the way they reflected on my character. There have been some sure fire messes and I have had to look for emergency exits.  A lot of these thing I probably don’t even speak of anymore. However, they may cross my mind from time to time and remind me of the pain that I endured or inflicted. I have certainly gotten in over my head or made impulsive, inconsiderate decisions and then ran to God to ask him to make it right.  One of the biggest regrets I have is the things I say or don’t say.

Proverbs 18:21The Message (MSG)
²¹ Words kill, words give life;
    they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.

I get concerned about whose spirit I’ve killed along the way.  Sometimes these things end up being brought to my attention and I have no way of recanting and I am left to only be able to apologize.   But apologies don’t put together the pieces left after the destruction. One such event was a time in college, my last year I was charged to lead a student led research class.  This was a research based project that dealt in policy formation- this was my first insight into advocacy and policy development and I loved it. Anyway, the class was intense and a lot of work. As in all classes in college there are people who don’t come to class outside of exam time.  Our final class in this situation was an experiential trip to Washington DC. As we came close to exam time the class, not me, felt it unfair that people would show up and be able to go on this trip as if they contributed to the work.  This left me charged with delivering the message as the leader. They were three or four students who were affected and I had to have private conversations.  I determined that I would give them a choice to make and not directly tell them what to do because I wasn’t the professor. But I would talk to them about fairness and ask them to consider those of us who worked long and hard, with a lot tireless nights.   Then I even said I didn’t need the answer, that they could proceed to talk to the professor who was very reasonable and they could find an alternative solution to be able to still demonstrate their ability to pass the class.  Bam! Perfect, I set out to have these discussions and all but one went well. This one resulted in a physical fight. How did this happen? All of this was put together in a professional, respectful, diplomatic way. Who would have thought? Well, as it was a class in diplomacy the department chair who was also the professor of the class pulled us in to her office to work it out diplomatically, of course.  Well of course I was justified, I restated the conversations I had with others and contended it was the same conversation I had with her, I had no idea what was wrong with her, and obviously she was the primary offender I defended myself.  But, what she said was Ashley, you don’t know how many people look up to you and admire you. They can be greatly affected by your words or attitude. She said she has watched me for a longtime and realize I had power. Wow!  What are you supposed to say to that? Was it what I said that day or something before? What more wasn’t she saying?  I walked away from that situation dumbfounded but it was the last and only physical fight but not the last time someone said to me they were some affected by my words.

As a mother I am often affect by what I haven’t said or what I couldn’t do.  One of the biggest areas of regret it what I may have not spoken into her life.  I worry about what opportunities she may have missed because I was ill equipped or not in tune to what was going around her. Were there more opportunities to congratulate, encourage or compliment her?  I didn’t tell her often enough who and what she can become to boost her self-confidence. Did I equip her with the right skills and knowledge to make the appropriate decisions as she soon leaves home? Was I too harsh could I have been more loving and understanding? What else could I have said too her make it better or to give her better? Was I too caught up in my emotional despair that somehow I missed what she need to comfort and be reassured?

I regret missing moments, I regret not having more time.

To a certain extent regret can be positive. If we healthy, honestly look at a bad situation we can take an assessment, accept our responsibility, apologize, and find way to correct what we can then move on walking in forgiveness.  Many instances I find myself in a place of regret relationally. I have learned to ask myself, what did I do in this?  Was I intentional in my actions to get the best results?  Doing this self-assessment allows me to change my behavior, correct what is possible, and look forward to making the future better.  But when we can’t overcome these feeling of remorse how do we get past this point?  What happens when we can’t even imagine living in forgiveness?

Marc Muchnick PHD gives a story about his regrets surrounding the birth of his son. He recalls the traumatic experience and how regret took over for years after.  Although, his son’s birth came with distress he turned out to be a relatively healthy and normal child, but anything remotely health related Marc attributed it to the birth trauma and personalize d the feeling that he should have done something more as a father to avoid his son’s afflictions.  He finally recalls a moment he “let it go.” He says,

I am no longer burdened with the weight of regret because I have let go of my emotional baggage from the circumstances of his birth. When we face what torments us, we put a stop to our inner turmoil. Give yourself permission to be imperfect. Come to terms with your feelings of regret and don't beat yourself up over situations you can't control. Make peace with yourself and set yourself free from the past.

In my life the permission to be imperfect had never been as profound as it has been in developing my business. I tell you this is a regular challenge but it works.  Almost daily I push through, my thoughts, fears, and inadequacies that lead to regret. I have a real and beautiful vision for my company that is attainable.  I want to be impressive and impactful, but I often feel restricted.  I don’t have the design capabilities I want, I didn’t have the time to get the pretty packaging, I was too tired to post the picture on Instagram, and I forgot to post a check in on Facebook.  I regret the loss of time, I regret the lack of finances, I regret I left the spatula on the table.  Nonetheless, what I have found is that all is well. I was on a radio show at a time and the question was, how do you balance it all?  I answered, you don’t. Balls drop all the time and you pick them up when you can and keep going. Honestly, that is it. We fail, we make mistakes but we always have to make the adjustments and move on. Ultimately, we serve a merciful and graceful God, so we must remember all is well in Him.   I am going to leave a few verses for continued mediation, that I believe speak for themselves without any further explanation.

Psalm 119:143New International Version (NIV)

¹⁴³ Trouble and distress have come upon me,
    but your commands give me delight.

2 Samuel 22:20Good News Translation (GNT)

²⁰ He helped me out of danger;
    he saved me because he was pleased with me.

Psalm 37:4New American Standard Bible (NASB)

⁴ Delight yourself in the Lord;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 26:11New American Standard Bible (NASB)

¹¹ But as for me, I shall walk in my integrity;
Redeem me, and be gracious to me.

Nehemiah 9:31New American Standard Bible (NASB)

³¹ “Nevertheless, in Your great compassion You did not make an end of them or forsake them,
For You are a gracious and compassionate God.

Blessings

Love You ,

Ashley Evans

 

This is Allie a few days ago on her last first day of school. She's a senior and seems well adjusted. I guess I don't have much to regret!

Single Mom Reflections, Day 5: Sitting in Bitterness

As a black woman we are faced with the charge of bitterness often. Bitterness is used most often by men as a descriptive characteristic of our cultural group. Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Mad Back Woman addresses this issues. When I saw this for the first time I was elated to hear Kimberly Elise, who played the central character, retort, “I’m not bitter I’m mad as hell.” In the movie she was faced with a sudden, brutal divorce that she was undeserving of as a devoted wife. Consequently, as she went about the days after and particularly facing the idea of dating again she wasn’t the quickest on the draw. She was determined to find a way to get back what was hers, which was herself.  The reason I love that line was because there is a difference between anger and bitterness.

“Bitterness is unforgiveness fermented. “  ( Gregory Popcak)

Anger is a natural and even healthy emotion. It’s our reaction to disappointments and hurt. If we become angry most often it is because the pain or disappointment we see as avoidable, within the control of someone else. Therefore, we feel that the pain was inflicted purposefully or without regard to our person. Basically, we just feel wronged and or our expectations of that person were not met. Although anger is natural and we are justified in being angry, prolonged anger causes destruction. Deep seeded anger turns into resentment. When we hold on to these feeling we turn them over on our mind constantly and without our knowledge or permission they begin to spill over into other things. Bitterness can consume our lives and leave us in a bad place.

Psychology Today list the "Cost of Bitterness” To highlight a few

• Prolonged mental and emotional pain
• Precipitate vengeful (or violent) acts that put you at further rise for being hurt or victimized
• Interfere with your cultivating healthy satisfying relationship and lead you to doubt or disparage your connections to others. 

As single mothers we obviously have reason to be angry. First and foremost we didn’t make these children on our own. We are not Mary and it was not an immaculate conception. We didn’t see Gabriel in a dream.  How unfair it is to have to bear the burden of rearing our children on our own. Some of us may resent the loss of our freedom, the perceived derailment of our life plans. We can become angry for our children.  The neglect and emotional reaction our children feel because of transition affect us greatly. If you’re like me, we get angry at the excuses we don’t feel we have the luxury to make.

Personally, I have been blessed with my Grandma Becky’s forgiving heart. ( Really, sometimes I think I’m cursed :-p ) I get angry often. This anger is ugly and hard to handle. But, after a few days or months I seem to be able to come back down and look at the situation compassionately and objectively.  I get to a place where it is necessary for me to let it go. I am a person who can be emotionally crippled and I acknowledge that my emotions have to be balanced for me to function well. Therefore, one of the things that seem to be instinctive is to move on to another source. I hear myself in my younger years, “I don’t like no or someone telling me I can’t, when I do I look for other ways to get what I want, There is always a way around it, “Now if you can get a sense of the tone that’s not always the best solution. There has been a lot of fall out based on this attitude.  This is the attitude that made my mother want to slap me down, my dad used to say “this is my house and it’s my way or the highway, and my quite internal response would be, “I picked the highway.” (I did not dare say it out loud.)  But as I got older it produced in it pain for others. This attitude did not acknowledge the circumstance or personal positions of the other party. On the other hand, it can be a solution oriented approach and was a reflection of my inner drive and persistence. In a bit more mature stances I once advised my younger cousin, to always have something more than the person you are dating.  I explained, I would love and I loved hard to only find myself disappointed that this same love was not reciprocated. But, there was more I had to do and I didn’t have time to sit in it.  So there was my career, school, my daughter something that I focused on instead of my hurt.

Philippians 4:6-9The Message (MSG)
^6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
^8-9 Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

 Over the years my anger has been channeled through the lens of acceptance. At a point when I become angry it is somewhat like  the popular Maya Angelou quote, “when a person shows you who they are, believe them,” I couple this quote with the concept “People do the best they can with what they have and what they know. Our actions as human beings are often driven by context. No matter who we are we have come from somewhere. Everyone has family, cultural, educational, spiritual and social-emotional background that shapes them.  The intersection of these thing guides what we hold as truth at various stages of our lives. I realize like many of us have that who I am today is very different than who I was. This is years ago. That is what growth looks like. Our growth can be accelerated or stagnated based on circumstances. The expectation that two people coming together are going to experience growth or interpret life circumstances the same way is faulty. To believe that a person should have done something to make "xyz" decision is incorrect. A person should and will only do what they know and can understand.  So what that means is that my expectation for another person and what I feel they should be or do may be completely antithetical to what ideas they have. This is the reason why communication and compromise within the bounds of a relationship are imperative.   I find that when I date one of the first things I say to a person is set my expectations, tell me what you are going to do and do it. Don’t do more then you will be willing to maintain, because if you stop then I’ll be disappointed and disappointment is the worst thing you can do for me. In short stay true to your word and stay true to who you are.   Seeing that this is difficult within the bounds of a relationship understand it’s even more difficult without. I have found that I do what I can to express myself in the relationship I have with my daughter’s father but it’s truly up to him to decide if he cares to do it and I can’t make him.  This man now has a wife and a new baby, although his “priority” should still be his first born, he is still obligated and now godly committed to his home.   Yes, does it hurt and am I upset when mine lose out in some way, yes, but I have to be reminded that she is still care for and she and I have a heavenly father that won’t leave not forsake us.

Overall, you can’t make anyone who you want them to be.  They are only who they are. My mom would always say, Ashley you can’t expect everyone to think like you either.”  We also need to acknowledge that their process of evolution is between them and God. That means that they may not come around to what you need or even your child’s need until they walk into the position God wants them to be and God gives them freewill to decide to come to him.  We have to let God work on him just as he works on us. One Sunday, I was in church with my long term boyfriend at the time. I don’t remember what the message was about directly at the time but I believe he had been gearing up for a relationship series, so at least part of this message was geared towards that. But what I remember distinctly about this message was him saying, “Do you want to know how to take the pressure off each other in a relationship?  He said, for the both of you to be so connected to God that you’re not worried about what the other does. That at the moment he doesn’t want to you, she doesn’t like you, you are so connected to Him that you are assured you will be ok. “  Well even outside of a relationship we need to be so connected to God that is doesn’t matter who does what or doesn’t do something we have the confidence that the Lord will make a way.  We had a guest preacher today at church who preached form Numbers which deal with the Israelites Exodus from Egypt and they are at the point that they are crossing the wilderness just before they reach Canaan. Well, anyway from the context of the text He said,” God is a God who specializes in exit strategies. He is a God that will make a way out of no way “In this context he will provide. He will be all you need, even when we feel that people who have the position to be our safety, provider, protector, our stability are not.  I know my help comes from Him. My earthly disappointment only last so long because I know he restores all.  Just, as a last thought, Jesus offers us abounding grace no matter what our failures are.  We choose do many things that break Gods heart but Jesus has justified us therefore we don’t receive the consequence we deserve. Can’t we afford to pass on a little grace sometimes?  The people in our life that hurt us may deserve a different place in our life, depending on the level of hurt that may even have to be removed, but we should still be able to operate in love regarding them.

When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the soul laughs for what it has found ~ Sue Monk Kidd, “When the Heart Waits”

Single Mom Reflections, Day 4, Struggling with Loneliness

Lord if I find favor in your sight, Lord please hear my hearts cry!
I’m desperately waiting to be where you are, Ill cross the hottest desert, I’ll travel near of far!
For Your glory, I will do anything, just to see you and to behold You as my king
I wanna be where you are, I gotta be where you are.

It is Day 4 and we are more than half way through the Devotional, Single Mom Strong.  I hope you are enjoying it and getting something from it.  Yesterday and today I have found it a little easier to share. The panic only last for a few minutes now.

I opened today with the lyrics to “For Your Glory,” by Tasha Cobbs. This song is often sang by the praise team at my church.  I find myself pouring my heart out to Jesus when singing it.  It immediately came to my heart when I read today’s devotion.

Loneliness is where I find myself in the most desperate place.  In this place is where doubt sets in. This is where I’m angry, I fight, scream, and yell often. Loneliness overcomes my soul in a way fear, regret, and other hardships cannot.  Even now as I write the tears in my eyes sometimes don’t convey how much loneliness hurts. I often feel like the people in my life don’t seem to know how often it aches.  Sometimes I can find myself lonely in the presence of a large crowd, even loving company.  Moments like holidays or special accomplishments I wish there was that special someone to share it with.

As I’ve said in previous post I’m a girl’s girl.  If I didn’t plan anything else I planned to be married.  I planned for a family, I was the one who dreamed of the husband, the house, 2.5 kids, the dog, and a picket fence. Furthermore, I was going to have it all before 25.   Well, I’m closer to 35 than 25, I have a house that I am barely holding onto, a kid who is on her way out the house sooner than I can blink, two dogs and a cat.  This is not exactly the balance equation. The missing husband seems to be a huge variable that’s hard to factor out. Then I am often outrageously astounded when I hear married woman say, “I never really imagined myself married, or knew I wanted kids, It just happened.” How infuriating!!!

In my loneliness I often look back and try to figure out what I did wrong. How I got passed up when the gift of constant companionship was being passed out.  Sometimes, I’ve felt like it was God’s way of punishing me for being out of order and outside of the bonds of covenant.  Then sometimes I just think it’s my own idealism and I didn’t take advantage of what’s in front of me. There have been a few men who wanted to marry me.  Or maybe I spent too much time on those men that I were not my husband, wasted time and energy.  I apparently am not a good judge of character and the guy God sent I was too preoccupied to find.  I try not to struggle with these thoughts but they come.

Even though, these heartaches are real, I know I serve a God that hears and knows my pain.  He has promised to give us our heart desires. I believe that it is in His will for me to live out my future with a God sent mate.  Again, he didn’t tell me no, He said wait. I’m still in the darkness of His cocoon and I know I will emerge a victorious butterfly, ready to fly with all the richness He desires to give me. My, mother who is truly a God sent, also reminds me that because I am ready does not mean that my future husband may not be ready.  Therefore, bringing that person in my life may do more damage than good. I can’t rush the process.  I also know that God is ta comforter, He does make things better, especially, in the darkest moments I gave directly and out loud as king for the Holy Spirit comfort.  I can be touchy feely person so the one thing about companionship is that I desire touch. I have had several nights with red puffy eyes, tear soaked pillow nights, I have said I really need to fee you God.  Please wrap your arms around me. I curl up in my blanket and pull it tight and after a while I feel the as loving, comfort of Jesus. My spirit is and heart are till. I peace comes over me.

For this I praise Jesus through the storm. I pour out to Him everything as my father. He can handle all of the anger, joy, and sadness. I believe he will make all things new and my blessing is coming,

There will be a time when my coffers are full and I will have the blessing that overflow. 

Single Mom Reflections, Day 3, Fear

The Lord is my light and my salvations, so why should I be afraid?

The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?

Psalms  27:1 (NLT)

The Single Mom Strong Day 3 Reflection is on Fear. 

Fear is huge for many people. We live in a world where so much can happen and we feel as if we need to be guarded constantly. Fear stands in the way of us experiencing many things, it is constricting.  To tie into yesterday’s post fear inhibits full submission to God. It is one of those old lovers I referred to.  We talked about letting God work while we wait, in this process we have no control over the outcome, which for those of us who are control freaks is terrifying.  Fear can take deep roots and really grow strongly if we aren’t careful. As mothers we can be fearful of many things and never understand why we have those feelings. How many conversations do we have about what we hope our children do because otherwise we fear the outcome won’t be well?  Or what about when we hover over them to protect them from the things we may not have been guarded from?  Sometimes, we don’t realize we are doing them a disservice because we are limiting their experience and planting the same seeds of fear.  Comfort, safety and stability are our most common desires.  PsychologyToday States,”

Fear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger—if we didn't feel it, we couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats. But often we fear situations that are far from life-or-death, and thus hang back for no good reason. Traumas or bad experiences can trigger a fear response within us that is hard to quell. Yet exposing ourselves to our personal demons is the best way to move past them.

 I’ve noticed the older I get the more fearful I have become. Life has a way of beating up on our confidence.  The more experiences that don’t get you the results you expected the more discouraged we get.  I described myself in the previous post as calculated and strategic.  Looking at my childhood I’m not sure if I was always that.  My parents could probably lend more insight because I was a girls girl, very prissy, so I wasn’t going to get too dirty and I had no real interest in any activity I thought I was going to get hurt.  However, when I was encourage to do something or be in a place that was unfamiliar I was willing to do it.  I feel like I would at least try once. Therefore by high school I was willing to do things that most girls who grew up in an urban area were not. But there was a shift.

To give a comparative example we can look at my high school track experience.  My freshman year I decided I was going to participate in African dance, gospel choir, the swim team and track.  Gospel choir and African dance I wasn’t very committed to. It was hit or miss as to whether or not I made it to practice. But I made it every day to swimming and track.  Swimming was good, I enjoy the water and had a good experience seeing it was my first time swimming competitively.  Track was even better.  I went thought conditioning and was determined to make it were some of my fellow classmates fell away. Seeing that , I was a novice I started the season doing both track and field events. I threw the shot put and discus, as well as contributed as a sprinter in open and relay races.  My coach nearly used me anywhere he could.  Later in the season we had a relatively big meet and for whatever reason we had a lot of girls absent.  My, coach had to make some big adjustments to assure we had enough coverage in the races to earn decent points.  I’m there and he looks at me and says, “Ashley you’re going to have to hurdle today.”  I doubtfully, retorted and said” how?’ I can’t do that!” I felt there was no way I would be able to make it over, remember I’m the girl that doesn’t like to hurt herself.  He said, “Ashley, yes you can! You’ve have the highest standing jump on the team. We need you.”  I didn’t know that the skill drills we did before the season meant anything and that he kept a record of them to help us make decision as a team and to enhance our ability to accomplish the goals we set. As an aside,  This reminds me of,

  Jeremiah 29:11  (GNT)

¹¹ I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for.^[a]

Seeing that God created us and intricately designed us to be who we are he of course has the master plans and knows our skills and abilities to coach us towards our goal and bring us more than we expected.  Getting back to the story, I complied.  Still nervous and not sure of what would happen I went in for the team. The first hurdle race was the shuttle relay.  If I remember I was the third leg.  When it was my turn I just went. All I thought about was finishing and not knocking over a hurdle so that we would not be disqualified.  This was a hilarious site to see from what I understand but I did it.  I can remember after the race going to sit with my boy crush of the moment and he said, ‘ Oh, my God I’m glad you finished. I thought you were going to kill yourself out there.”  Nonetheless, yes I finished and as a matter of fact we placed in that raced and earned a ribbon.  From that point on I was on the hurdle team and that was my sole contribution to the team.  

Now the  following year by the time track season came around I was seven months pregnant.   Obviously I missed that year.  My junior year I didn’t participate in much because I worked but by January I was ready to get back on the track. My first practice was horrible, my legs felt like led. This was unimaginable because I lost all my baby weight so in my young mind I thought I was just going to get out there and it would feel like riding a bike. Man, was I wrong.   But I kept going for a while.  After some conditioning we got into our specialty teams. I went with the new hurdle coach.  I was really proud of what I did well as a hurdler and I was ready to get back in the saddle.  At this point I had some training and technique so this should was going to be a walk in the park.  My led thighs weren’t going to stop me. We started hurdle drills, it was my turn, and I got into position and took off down the course and stopped at the first hurdle.  I tried it again, 1, 2, 3 jump! Nope it didn’t happen that time. Ok, let’s walk it a few time just to get used to going over.  I did that a few times and tried it again. No Go!!  That was my last practice and I never ran again until I was 30.

Looking back on that experience, I lost my ability to be fearless.  I was no longer able to let go and just do. In this situation the trauma wasn’t even associated with track, I never failed to complete a race or get disqualified, I didn’t hurt myself or break anything but I was a 16 year old mom.  I made what some would consider the biggest mistake of my life.  Because of my pregnancy my body changed and I missed a season of training.  I lost focus and I lost my confidence.  Since then there has been many other things that I know I have not been successful in because I was restricted by fear. Even this current process of writing and sharing I have been avoiding for years. These past few days have been a deep dive. I get scared of someone finding typos, not being clear in message, being perceived as high and mighty, or not enough for someone. There are so many things that go through my mind as we share but I’m here.

What I have learned thought experience is that in order to receive what you need you have to be vulnerable.  Fear keeps us guarded and protected and we can’t get what we need. Until we open up to possibilities we can’t receive the rewards. If we open up to Jesus and keep our eye on Him, He promises to take care of us. He really is our shepherd. He will guides us and protect us, We just have to let Him.  

How does fear limit your personal growth?

How do your fears affect your children?

Blessings, 

Love You 

Ashley Evans