As a black woman we are faced with the charge of bitterness
often. Bitterness is used most often by men as a descriptive characteristic of our
cultural group. Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Mad Back Woman addresses this issues.
When I saw this for the first time I was elated to hear Kimberly Elise, who
played the central character, retort, “I’m not bitter I’m mad as hell.” In the movie
she was faced with a sudden, brutal divorce that she was undeserving of as a
devoted wife. Consequently, as she went about the days after and particularly facing
the idea of dating again she wasn’t the quickest on the draw. She was
determined to find a way to get back what was hers, which was herself. The reason I love that line was because there
is a difference between anger and bitterness.
“Bitterness is unforgiveness fermented. “ ( Gregory Popcak)
Anger is a natural and even healthy emotion. It’s our
reaction to disappointments and hurt. If we become angry most often it is
because the pain or disappointment we see as avoidable, within the control of someone
else. Therefore, we feel that the pain was inflicted purposefully or without
regard to our person. Basically, we just feel wronged and or our expectations
of that person were not met. Although anger is natural and we are justified in
being angry, prolonged anger causes destruction. Deep seeded anger turns into
resentment. When we hold on to these feeling we turn them over on our mind constantly
and without our knowledge or permission they begin to spill over into other
things. Bitterness can consume our lives and leave us in a bad place.
Psychology Today list the "Cost of Bitterness” To highlight a few
- Prolonged mental and emotional pain
- Precipitate vengeful (or violent) acts that put you at further rise for being hurt or victimized
- Interfere with your cultivating healthy satisfying relationship and lead you to doubt or disparage your connections to others.
As single mothers we obviously have reason to be angry.
First and foremost we didn’t make these children on our own. We are not Mary
and it was not an immaculate conception. We didn’t see Gabriel in a dream. How unfair it is to have to bear the burden
of rearing our children on our own. Some of us may resent the loss of our
freedom, the perceived derailment of our life plans. We can become angry for
our children. The neglect and emotional
reaction our children feel because of transition affect us greatly. If you’re
like me, we get angry at the excuses we don’t feel we have the luxury to make.
Personally, I have been blessed with my Grandma Becky’s
forgiving heart. ( Really, sometimes I think I’m cursed :-p ) I get angry often.
This anger is ugly and hard to handle. But, after a few days or months I seem
to be able to come back down and look at the situation compassionately and
objectively. I get to a place where it
is necessary for me to let it go. I am a person who can be emotionally crippled
and I acknowledge that my emotions have to be balanced for me to function well.
Therefore, one of the things that seem to be instinctive is to move on to
another source. I hear myself in my younger years, “I don’t like no or someone
telling me I can’t, when I do I look for other ways to get what I want, There
is always a way around it, “Now if you can get a sense of the tone that’s not
always the best solution. There has been a lot of fall out based on this
attitude. This is the attitude that made
my mother want to slap me down, my dad used to say “this is my house and it’s
my way or the highway, and my quite internal response would be, “I picked the
highway.” (I did not dare say it out loud.) But as I got older it produced in it pain for others.
This attitude did not acknowledge the circumstance or personal positions of the
other party. On the other hand, it can be a solution oriented approach and was
a reflection of my inner drive and persistence. In a bit more mature stances I
once advised my younger cousin, to always have something more than the person
you are dating. I explained, I would
love and I loved hard to only find myself disappointed that this same love was
not reciprocated. But, there was more I had to do and I didn’t have time to sit
in it. So there was my career, school,
my daughter something that I focused on instead of my hurt.
Philippians 4:6-9The Message (MSG)
6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
8-9 Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
Over the years my
anger has been channeled through the lens of acceptance. At a point when I
become angry it is somewhat like the popular
Maya Angelou quote, “when a person shows you who they are, believe them,” I
couple this quote with the concept “People do the best they can with what they
have and what they know. Our actions as human beings are often driven by
context. No matter who we are we have come from somewhere. Everyone has family,
cultural, educational, spiritual and social-emotional background that shapes them. The intersection of these thing guides what
we hold as truth at various stages of our lives. I realize like many of us have
that who I am today is very different than who I was. This is years ago. That
is what growth looks like. Our growth can be accelerated or stagnated based on circumstances.
The expectation that two people coming together are going to experience growth
or interpret life circumstances the same way is faulty. To believe that a person
should have done something to make "xyz" decision is incorrect. A person should
and will only do what they know and can understand. So what that means is that my expectation for another
person and what I feel they should be or do may be completely antithetical to
what ideas they have. This is the reason why communication and compromise within
the bounds of a relationship are imperative.
I find that when I date one of the first things I say to a person is set my expectations, tell me
what you are going to do and do it. Don’t do more then you will be willing to maintain,
because if you stop then I’ll be disappointed and disappointment is the worst thing
you can do for me. In short stay true to your word and stay true to who you
are. Seeing that this is difficult
within the bounds of a relationship understand it’s even more difficult
without. I have found that I do what I can to express myself in the relationship
I have with my daughter’s father but it’s truly up to him to decide if he cares
to do it and I can’t make him. This man
now has a wife and a new baby, although his “priority” should still be his
first born, he is still obligated and now godly committed to his home. Yes,
does it hurt and am I upset when mine lose out in some way, yes, but I have to
be reminded that she is still care for and she and I have a heavenly father
that won’t leave not forsake us.
Overall, you can’t make anyone who you want them to be. They are only who they are. My mom would
always say, Ashley you can’t expect everyone to think like you either.” We also need to acknowledge that their process
of evolution is between them and God. That means that they may not come around
to what you need or even your child’s need until they walk into the position
God wants them to be and God gives them freewill to decide to come to him. We have to let God work on him just as he
works on us. One Sunday, I was in church with my long term boyfriend at the
time. I don’t remember what the message was about directly at the time but I believe
he had been gearing up for a relationship series, so at least part of this
message was geared towards that. But what I remember distinctly about this
message was him saying, “Do you want to know how to take the pressure off each
other in a relationship? He said, for
the both of you to be so connected to God that you’re not worried about what
the other does. That at the moment he doesn’t want to you, she doesn’t like you,
you are so connected to Him that you are assured you will be ok. “ Well even outside of a relationship we need
to be so connected to God that is doesn’t matter who does what or doesn’t do something
we have the confidence that the Lord will make a way. We had a guest preacher today at church who
preached form Numbers which deal with the Israelites Exodus from Egypt and they
are at the point that they are crossing the wilderness just before they reach
Canaan. Well, anyway from the context of the text He said,” God is a God who
specializes in exit strategies. He is a God that will make a way out of no way “In
this context he will provide. He will be all you need, even when we feel that
people who have the position to be our safety, provider, protector, our
stability are not. I know my help comes
from Him. My earthly disappointment only last so long because I know he restores
all. Just, as a last thought, Jesus
offers us abounding grace no matter what our failures are. We choose do many things that break Gods heart
but Jesus has justified us therefore we don’t receive the consequence we
deserve. Can’t we afford to pass on a little grace sometimes? The people in our life that hurt us may
deserve a different place in our life, depending on the level of hurt that may
even have to be removed, but we should still be able to operate in love regarding
them.
When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the soul laughs for what it has found ~ Sue Monk Kidd, “When the Heart Waits”
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