Single Mom Reflections, Day 7, Dealing with Inadequacies

 Writing this last post, on Single Mom Strong, may have been the hardest or at least just as hard as the first.  It has taken me two days to write this.  By Tuesday evening of this week I was walking around feeling noticeably lighter.  I posted day 6 and was like cool we did that. All we have is Day 7 and I have accomplished what I set out to do.  I went to praise dance practice at church and had an energy that I haven’t felt since I returned from my ministry “sabbatical” in June.  That night I read over Day 7 and thought I had a handle on it.  I woke up the next morning feel drab again, I just couldn’t get the jolt I need to get focused and together.  This is not necessarily unusual, so I just sat to start writing. Rereading the days devotional I thought I would focus on the piece about dealing with singleness in a marriage focused society and how that is linked to self esteem. I know I could talk on that because of course I feel it often. I can relate to feeling devalued because no one seems to be able to commit or sacrifice their life for you.  I often correlate that with value.  So I started to recall stories and reflect on how much my personal value comes up in dating. I wrote and wrote and wrote then it didn’t seem right.  After a while, I allowed distractions to come in and focused on other task and projects.  Soon time got away and I’m committed to Wednesday night bible study and on this particular Wednesday I was assigned for recruitment for the praise dance team. Of course I had to go. I got back home and continued to field calls and emails that absorbed a lot of energy to where I just was over writing for the day.  Tomorrow is a new day and I will start over, that’s the typical mantra I state when I don’t accomplish all that I set out to in a day. It helps me feel a bit better especially because I always seem to have too much to do for a 24 hour time frame and I don’t function well once I get tired.

 I got up this morning determined to do nothing else but write.  I was still slow getting out the bed but I was going to do it. I dropped Allie off at school and then came to sit at the kitchen table looking into the back yard like I usually do.  However, I looked around me and started to feel claustrophobic and my mind clouded. I said, “ugh there is too much clutter around here. I’ve got to get out.”  Besides the space by the riverbed found I haven’t been anywhere else and today was cold and raining. I decide to go to a coffee shop.  I ran out so fast that I forgot that I did not eat, I order a sandwich (I couldn’t afford) and another cup of coffee determined to get started. At this point I had been up since 6 am and it was 10:15.  I finally started to pick up where I left off and I really wasn’t on it, but I kept going. I ended my thoughts yesterday with the words “I am worthy, I am enough.”  I started to tell the story behind those words,  The interesting tidbit of a broken relationship that had powerful consequence for me. Then as I kept writing my heart raced, and it felt like it was caught up in my throat and my stomach in knots that was reaching up to have a death grip on my lungs and either my heart was going to stop, my lungs collapses or both.  Taking deep breaths I moved away from the topic and on the next sheet of paper in my notebook I wrote, what do you feel right now?  I wrote whatever came to mind, scared, tired, frustrated, angry, It was just flowing. I was taking quick and deep breaths with every word. I felt tears welling up and wanted to scream. I couldn’t do that, I’m in public so I left. I left saying ok I need to run. It worked before and It will work today. Maybe I can start that process all over. – When I was dealing with the death of my brother and all the pain that went with I dealt with the depression and anxiety by training to run.  It was a very therapeutic process.

I ran out the coffee shop to go home and get the dogs to go to the park.   As I walked in I was faced with this clutter again and exasperated I picked up a few things and did I quick sweep.  I was getting more and more angry I needed to get going, Ugh I need help! I yelled in the middle of my living room.   I ran downstairs to get my running clothes and a pair of socks and standing in front of my broken dryer it hit me and the tears started streaming.  I can’t take care of my family and that’s where I feel inadequate.  This is not a yesterday problem and this is not something I am over this is right here and right now.  I can’t keep my house clean the way I would like it, I can’t manage the overgrowth of weeds in my flower bed, the dogs haven’t been walk in days, I can’t get myself on a regular workout routine, I can’t get the expensive appliances I bought just seven years ago fixed, I broke the pipe in the bathroom off the sink trying to get a hair clog out two weeks ago, and Allie needs me to get her college application process going.   I’m now screaming and balling like a two year old, but I also noticed I was releasing.  I stopped for a few minutes to let it out and not fight the process.   I finally gather myself and recognized I needed to be fully vulnerable. I knew that was what I needed to write.

 I still struggle, right now in this moment. I am on a constant journey that forces me to give it to God daily.  This is the thing that still brings me to my knees and causes me to call out to Him.  This thing causes me to hold my breath when someone asks me how I am doing and reply, “I’m just trying to make something out of this life.”  Meaning it’s not all bad but it certainly isn’t all good. I’m struggling but I am determined to preserver.    So far 2015 has been a hard year for me. I haven’t felt very encouraged about anything. Especially, not about business. The things that pressure me at home didn’t seem as if they were going to shift easily either. I feel as if I’ve been fighting an impossible fight, my faith has grown weary in many places.  I am in my wilderness experience.  I was reminder last Sunday by the guest preacher that the wilderness is a place for shifting, renewal and preparation for God’s work.  

Hosea 2:14-15New International Version (NIV)

¹⁴ “Therefore I am now going to allure her;
    I will lead her into the wilderness
    and speak tenderly to her.
¹⁵ There I will give her back her vineyards,
    and will make the Valley of Achor^[a] a door of hope.
There she will respond^[b] as in the days of her youth,
    as in the day she came up out of Egypt

I read that verse and was struck by its sweetness. How wonderful it is to be allured or wooed by God.  I long for moments when He himself can whisper words of truth.  The words of who I really am and I fearfully and wonderfully he has made me. He also promised to give back what I have lost and restore hope.  I have to know that as the winds are raging I should trust Him.

The Matthew Henry Commentary notes say:

After these judgments the Lord would deal with Israel more gently. By the promise of rest in Christ we are invited to take his yoke upon us; and the work of conversion may be forwarded by comforts as well as by convictions. But usually the Lord drives us to despair of earthly joy, and help from ourselves, that, being shut from every other door, we may knock at Mercy's gate 

In Isaiah we find  another reference to restoration in the wilderness.

Isaiah 35:6-7The Message (MSG)

^5-7 Blind eyes will be opened,
    deaf ears unstopped,
Lame men and women will leap like deer,
    the voiceless break into song.
Springs of water will burst out in the wilderness,
    streams flow in the desert.
Hot sands will become a cool oasis,
    thirsty ground a splashing fountain.
Even lowly jackals will have water to drink,
    and barren grasslands flourish richly.

Pulpit Commentary  states,

Verse 6. - For in the wilderness shall waters break out. The wilderness of humanity shall be renovated by a large effluence of God's grace 

This passage make me think of my name, Ashley. There was a point in fifth grade or so that the girls in my class were fascinated with the meanings of names.   I have always had the understanding it meant of the ash field. As a child I inquired about what an ash field was.  I don’t remember who but someone, (I’m pretty sure it was my mom) gave me the Webster’s Dictionary definition.

a thick widespread deposit of volcanic ash —called also ash plain

Not too thrilled with the thought of a dirty destitute place of black as far as the eye can see, it was further explained, that the most beautiful flowers are grown in this field.  Now, I pictured the ash evolving in to lush tropical plants found on the Hawaiian island. I can remember smiling having the feeling that form me beauty is produced.  Even as a child I knew that greatness would come from me. 

 OurBabyNamer.com says, Ashley is of Celtic origin and means of the ash tree meadow.  An ash tee is a wide and towering tree that was symbolic in Celtic culture.  What I gather from a brief web search is that this tree was specifically significant in its ashen form.  It is the ash that held the supposed power.  So not to get off track or turn this into a whirlwind of suggestive meaning, but what I hope to convey is that there is power in the ashes.

 In the place where there is nothing God still is. I believe He is still working for my good, although I don’t see it and like today I don’t always feel it,  I come back to a place where I am assured He is. Simply put God puts us in a place where we have no choice but to rely on Him.   Our life journey will require us to travel through the wilderness. The wilderness is where God is and with God you are enough. 

 I am worthy, I am Enough

Jeremiah 29:11The Message (MSG)10-11 This is God’s Word on the subject: “As soon as Babylon’s seventy years are up and not a day before, I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.