Single Mom Reflections Day 6, Release Regret

Today's devotional on Single Mom Strong, deals with regret. 

It immediately asks us a few questions 

How could I have lowered myself to that standard?

How could I have acted that way?

How could I not have seen the long range result of my actions?

I tell you I have had my fair share of regret. I’ve gotten myself in a few to many situations that I haven't  liked the way they reflected on my character. There have been some sure fire messes and I have had to look for emergency exits.  A lot of these thing I probably don’t even speak of anymore. However, they may cross my mind from time to time and remind me of the pain that I endured or inflicted. I have certainly gotten in over my head or made impulsive, inconsiderate decisions and then ran to God to ask him to make it right.  One of the biggest regrets I have is the things I say or don’t say.

Proverbs 18:21The Message (MSG)
²¹ Words kill, words give life;
    they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.

I get concerned about whose spirit I’ve killed along the way.  Sometimes these things end up being brought to my attention and I have no way of recanting and I am left to only be able to apologize.   But apologies don’t put together the pieces left after the destruction. One such event was a time in college, my last year I was charged to lead a student led research class.  This was a research based project that dealt in policy formation- this was my first insight into advocacy and policy development and I loved it. Anyway, the class was intense and a lot of work. As in all classes in college there are people who don’t come to class outside of exam time.  Our final class in this situation was an experiential trip to Washington DC. As we came close to exam time the class, not me, felt it unfair that people would show up and be able to go on this trip as if they contributed to the work.  This left me charged with delivering the message as the leader. They were three or four students who were affected and I had to have private conversations.  I determined that I would give them a choice to make and not directly tell them what to do because I wasn’t the professor. But I would talk to them about fairness and ask them to consider those of us who worked long and hard, with a lot tireless nights.   Then I even said I didn’t need the answer, that they could proceed to talk to the professor who was very reasonable and they could find an alternative solution to be able to still demonstrate their ability to pass the class.  Bam! Perfect, I set out to have these discussions and all but one went well. This one resulted in a physical fight. How did this happen? All of this was put together in a professional, respectful, diplomatic way. Who would have thought? Well, as it was a class in diplomacy the department chair who was also the professor of the class pulled us in to her office to work it out diplomatically, of course.  Well of course I was justified, I restated the conversations I had with others and contended it was the same conversation I had with her, I had no idea what was wrong with her, and obviously she was the primary offender I defended myself.  But, what she said was Ashley, you don’t know how many people look up to you and admire you. They can be greatly affected by your words or attitude. She said she has watched me for a longtime and realize I had power. Wow!  What are you supposed to say to that? Was it what I said that day or something before? What more wasn’t she saying?  I walked away from that situation dumbfounded but it was the last and only physical fight but not the last time someone said to me they were some affected by my words.

As a mother I am often affect by what I haven’t said or what I couldn’t do.  One of the biggest areas of regret it what I may have not spoken into her life.  I worry about what opportunities she may have missed because I was ill equipped or not in tune to what was going around her. Were there more opportunities to congratulate, encourage or compliment her?  I didn’t tell her often enough who and what she can become to boost her self-confidence. Did I equip her with the right skills and knowledge to make the appropriate decisions as she soon leaves home? Was I too harsh could I have been more loving and understanding? What else could I have said too her make it better or to give her better? Was I too caught up in my emotional despair that somehow I missed what she need to comfort and be reassured?

I regret missing moments, I regret not having more time.

To a certain extent regret can be positive. If we healthy, honestly look at a bad situation we can take an assessment, accept our responsibility, apologize, and find way to correct what we can then move on walking in forgiveness.  Many instances I find myself in a place of regret relationally. I have learned to ask myself, what did I do in this?  Was I intentional in my actions to get the best results?  Doing this self-assessment allows me to change my behavior, correct what is possible, and look forward to making the future better.  But when we can’t overcome these feeling of remorse how do we get past this point?  What happens when we can’t even imagine living in forgiveness?

Marc Muchnick PHD gives a story about his regrets surrounding the birth of his son. He recalls the traumatic experience and how regret took over for years after.  Although, his son’s birth came with distress he turned out to be a relatively healthy and normal child, but anything remotely health related Marc attributed it to the birth trauma and personalize d the feeling that he should have done something more as a father to avoid his son’s afflictions.  He finally recalls a moment he “let it go.” He says,

I am no longer burdened with the weight of regret because I have let go of my emotional baggage from the circumstances of his birth. When we face what torments us, we put a stop to our inner turmoil. Give yourself permission to be imperfect. Come to terms with your feelings of regret and don't beat yourself up over situations you can't control. Make peace with yourself and set yourself free from the past.

In my life the permission to be imperfect had never been as profound as it has been in developing my business. I tell you this is a regular challenge but it works.  Almost daily I push through, my thoughts, fears, and inadequacies that lead to regret. I have a real and beautiful vision for my company that is attainable.  I want to be impressive and impactful, but I often feel restricted.  I don’t have the design capabilities I want, I didn’t have the time to get the pretty packaging, I was too tired to post the picture on Instagram, and I forgot to post a check in on Facebook.  I regret the loss of time, I regret the lack of finances, I regret I left the spatula on the table.  Nonetheless, what I have found is that all is well. I was on a radio show at a time and the question was, how do you balance it all?  I answered, you don’t. Balls drop all the time and you pick them up when you can and keep going. Honestly, that is it. We fail, we make mistakes but we always have to make the adjustments and move on. Ultimately, we serve a merciful and graceful God, so we must remember all is well in Him.   I am going to leave a few verses for continued mediation, that I believe speak for themselves without any further explanation.

Psalm 119:143New International Version (NIV)

¹⁴³ Trouble and distress have come upon me,
    but your commands give me delight.

2 Samuel 22:20Good News Translation (GNT)

²⁰ He helped me out of danger;
    he saved me because he was pleased with me.

Psalm 37:4New American Standard Bible (NASB)

⁴ Delight yourself in the Lord;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 26:11New American Standard Bible (NASB)

¹¹ But as for me, I shall walk in my integrity;
Redeem me, and be gracious to me.

Nehemiah 9:31New American Standard Bible (NASB)

³¹ “Nevertheless, in Your great compassion You did not make an end of them or forsake them,
For You are a gracious and compassionate God.

Blessings

Love You ,

Ashley Evans

 

This is Allie a few days ago on her last first day of school. She's a senior and seems well adjusted. I guess I don't have much to regret!